Change vs. Surrender

"I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them, and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but I simply couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, 'Don't change, Don't change, Don't change...I love you as you are'. I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed." - Anthony de Mello

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Acceptance. Is acceptance a by-product of change or the result of surrendering to "what is"? I know one thing for sure, it is elusive!!! Today seemed like a lost day to me, full of unfulfilled intentions. After missing a night of sleep night before last, I planned to awaken early to attend the 7:30AM service of a local Methodist church. Instead I awakened to my phone alarm in the midst of a disturbingly bizzare dream that had to be completed. I departed back into dreamland.

My next awakening came when I heard my daughter say she was leaving to play paintball with her boyfriend and his family as I said my "I love you" and "Be careful" goodbye, our standard post-accident farewell, indicative of our rudely acquired knowledge that life is tentative, at best, and we should never miss an opportnity to let those close to our hearts know that they are loved. Again, I drifted off to sleep to try to complete that confounded dream!!!

Just before reaching my destination, I heard the sound my cell phone makes when it receives a text message. The message read "want 2 meet me 4 coffee this afternoon?" "What time? Where?", I text back. We set a time for 2:30PM and decide on a location. I looked at the time and decided I could rest for another hour or so, allowing for the hour and a half or two hours it would take me to get ready to leave my apartment. I closed my eyes.

No more dreaming. Instead, I awakened to a pounding headache and queasy stomach an hour later. Another cancellation by my uncooperative body. I drifted off to sleep, blocking the light with a blanket over my head and noticing that our dog had curled up next to my side. He seems to know when all is not right, a primitive sixth sense?

Final awakening at 6:30PM and I noticed something unusual. My right side, the most functional side of my body which is usually tight and drawn up in an overuse knot, is totally relaxed. Both legs are relaxed and not spasming and the only ache I feel is in the left S-I area of my hip. Even though I am thinking "I need to get up to take my meds and drink some water and see if my urine drainage bag is about to burst", I could not move and disturb this peaceful, relaxed sensation that so rarely occurs.

It felt so nice that I lay quietly and enjoyed the rarity of almost total physical

relaxation...absorbed in its pleasure...remembering...and forgetting the remaining intentions of this day. Maybe this is an example of what it is like to surrender, to accept "what is", to enjoy the surprise visit of the unexpected, to be mindful of the present and receive its gift.