Struggle vs. Release

"It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and secutity." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

---------------

I would not have thought it possible to have two days in a row like yesterday! Trip to Birmingham was another set of mishaps and challenges...and not just for myself, but for my case manager and the receptionist who rescheduled my tests as I made the hour and a half drive to the rehab outpatient clinic. I was so upset at the obstacles that delayed my departure. Again, I was greeted with kindness and compassion even though I know my inability to arrive on time caused several others to rearrange their time on my behalf. I guess I'm still not getting the message all of this hassle is trying to teach me.

I am so glad I was able to get the testing and doctor's appointment completed during this one visit. The tests revealed some important information needed to direct a portion of my follow-up health care. I am so appreciative of the way everyone pulled the afternoon together. Is the lesson to be learned that when I need help, it will be there? Maybe I'm receiving back some of the compassion and care that I tried to give others during my thirty years of nursing practice.

Obstacles arise, issues appear, life happens...maybe this is my struggle made visible, to accept the reality that life is not a smooth ride. Perhaps this is the rollercoaster that has replaced the amusement park variety that I used to enjoy. What would happen if I embraced these bumps in the road to see where they take me? Maybe the ultimate issue is acceptance of "what is" or curiosity about what might be if I release my death grip on control...

Problems vs. Opportunities

"Problems are only opportunities in workclothes." - Henry Kaiser
----------------

Life happens...some days are more problematic than others and my tendency is to get frustrated and go to the "is this really worth it" or "I give up" place rather than taking a step back, breathing deeply, and reasoning "what's the worst that can happen?" Expectations get in the way!

I was so proud of myself (first mistake!) for finally getting my day together after having to be late to my morning catheter change appointment. My legs were so spastic that I had trouble getting dressed. I called the office to ask if I should keep the appointment and be late or reschedule. They were so kind to allow me to come in 30 minutes late.

What was the opportunity here? To try to estimate how much extra time I should allow in case one or more problems arise in preparation for leaving to go somewhere. Perhaps I should have allowed two hours of prep time instead of one and a half hours. I bathed and washed my hair the night before and had my clothes ready for the day, so I thought an hour and a half would have been plenty of time.

I applied the extra time formula in preparation for going to book club at 6:30PM. I bought chips and dip that I was supposed to bring and emptied the chips into serving containers. I intended to put the dips in three ready to serve containers only to discover that try as I might, even using my jar opening tool, I could not budge the lids from their jars. So, I packed up the jars and serving spoons, knowing that someone at the meeting would be able to open them. I was dressed and ready to go at 5PM. "WOW," I remember thinking, "that went well."

I had visions of arriving early and parking in the specially designated space at my friend's home. I programed my GPS and started last minute preparations for actual departure. I took Rebel, my dog, out to do his thing before restricting him to my room while I was gone for the evening. On the way back into the house, he decided to run around my wheelchair. I circled around as I usually do to keep his leash away from my chair as he changed directions.

Needless to say, his leash became hopelessly tangled in my wheelchair's rear wheel. I cut the cords to free my dog and started trying to undo the tangle to no avail and decided to cut the cord shorter and leave it for later. I wheeled into my room where I had left my pajamas on the floor when I left in a rush for my appointment in the morning and my wheels found an odoriferous pile of dog droppings hidden under my pajama bottoms. Now, my chair had a string AND dog poop tracking across the carpet as I retrieved a container of clorox wipes to clean up the mess.

I looked up at the clock and saw that it was now 6:15PM. So much for my success! At 6:30PM, starting time for the book club, I was hanging off of my exercise table trying to clean the dog poop from my wheels and calling the telephone number that my friend e-mailed to me to tell her that I would be late and discovered that the number was a wrong number. After cleaning as well as possible and coaxing my dog into my room, I began the challenge of getting into my SUV's new E-Z Lock device to lock down my wheelchair for the drive. "E-Z Lock" is a misnomer with a definite learning curve! After three attempts and a prayer, I heard the lovely click of success and was on my way!

Arrival time was almost 7:30PM. The chips and dip were late - everyone had already filled their plates. Fortunately, the discussion had been delayed by the departure of one of our members, who was on her way to the hospital for the birth of a grandchild. I asked my tablemates to let me know if they smelled anything and I would move downwind! The discussion that followed was an interesting glimpse for me, the only member who did not live in the South during the Civil Rights Movement, of what I had only seen on television and read about in newspapers. It was worth the struggle to get there.

Again, the kindness of the members of my group softened my frustration and "why even try" attitude. Lesson learned? Amazement and appreciation of the goodness of people and their tolerance of imperfection. Perhaps I should extend the same to myself...

Level Terrain vs. Peaks & Valleys

"Scientists announced today that the have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it." - George Carlin

------------------------------

This grizzly bear's eyes could be mine for the last few days. I realized today that I have not been out of my home except to take our dog out as needed since Friday (four days). I started canceling planned activities Wednesday and bumped goals from day to day since Friday also.

Still doing AM & PM meditations and stretches, chipping away at necessaries, and am not lying in bed beating myself up over anything in particular. Perhaps this is a "normal" slump, however, I would prefer to not be feeling this way!

It makes sense in many ways when I look back at the last two weeks. Just the same, when I awaken and decide that it's not worth the effort to get cleaned up and dressed because the day will just slip by and it's time to do it again...ding, ding, ding...the alarm bell goes off and red flags wave. I can easily slip into that valley that is hard to climb out of again.

I wonder sometimes what keeps me from living day to day on a predictably even keel rather than the push, push, push flurry of activity followed by a detached lull? Time for a turn around and to get back out in the world like everyone else. Looking for that new "normal" to settle in consistently, regardless of day to day physical, emotional, and spiritual fluctuations.

Is this the adjustment process seeking equilibrium? I certainly hope that one day, sooner than later, balance will be found again. Until then, guess I'll just have to give myself a wake up call. Life has more to offer than this silly struggle!!!

Time is a River vs. Time is Money

"Time is not a line, but a series of now-points." - Taisen Deshimaru

----------

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." - Auguste Rodin

----------

"Time has no division to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire pistols." - Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

----------

Okay, so I am admitting here for all to read that I have a problem with time. If I allow life to unfold as it will, moving from one "now-point" to another without judgement from myself or others, life for me progresses smoothly. I may not accomplish all that I think that I should in a given day or meet the expectations of others, but, all in all, it is a good day. Perhaps this is why I have harbored the fantasy of being a writer and working on MY time!

I have lived the past sixty years and particularly, those years of school and work, within the parameters of time as a necessity to meet goals for the greater good. As a child, student, nurse, wife, and mother, time has been the master of my day. Out of respect for others' needs and my own as well, there will always be a need for time based structure and orientation.

What I have yet to master is how to allow life to unfold as it will and meet my obligations for using the time of others to meet their requirements and obtain the services, relationships, and care I need in a stress free manner. How do I calculate and allow that time for the unexpected? Or, how do I manage the unexpected and still respect and fulfill my obligation to be on time for timed events?

Perhaps it is enough that I am attempting to reconcile the difference in perception of others and myseld that I disregard the necessity of timliness versus the reality of factoring in the multitude of possible interfering variables, such as, difficulty in managing departure and containment of our dog, difficulties in securing the new locking mechanism in my SUV, surprise bowel or bladder problems, difficulty in bathing or dressing on "spastic" days, and so on.

This struggle is one that impacts my willingness to make plans with others...and it is not a new problem. I think I lean a little more toward the "time is a river" personal value over the "time is money" belief. After living most of my life in the "time is money" organizational employment realm, it is tempting to forgo all time restraints in this stage of life. However, I know I have to succeed at surmounting this falacy of logic and define a workable compromise.

The question is, what do I get as a payoff for being late? What are the consequences? And, as the infamous quote from pop "psychologist" Dr. Phil would say, "how is it working for you?" Well I would say I'm not sure (payoff), stress and negative feedback from others (consequences), it is not (working for me!), but I won't give up hope that the solution is out there for me to find. Thank goodness God is not finished with me yet! I still have a lot of refining to do...

"Urine"alysis vs. PO'd

"Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others ... If, however, we do not use our anger to define ourselves clearly in every important relationship we are in -- and manage our feelings as they arise -- no one else will assume this responsibility for us." - Harriet Goldner Lerner, The Dance of Anger

-----------------

Is it just me or does everyone living with paralysis have urine issues? If it's not the leaky leg or belly bag, clogged catheter, bladder spasms, UTIs, or wheelchair smashed drainage bag it's something else urine related that we all identify with and understand on some level. Is this an obsession, or perhaps a fact of life normal?

Personally, having a suprapubic catheter is a hassle. It feels like having a portable umbilical cord to drag around everywhere. I even refer to it as "my friend". How goofy is that? I worry that I smell like a nursing home or that the drainage bag will come unclamped - which it has on several occasions. I also go to a good bit of trouble keeping the bag concealed from public view.

Then, there's the issue of clothing...anything too tight interferes with drainage and too loose lets the tubing become visible. Maybe it's a time thing. As time goes by, perhaps I won't mind the attachment. It is convenient when out and about. I never have to worry about where the restrooms are or to excuse myself to the ladies room or be careful about how much water I drink.

Self-cathing would definitely require more change in how to manage bladder issues. It would require attention to a more strict schedule, locating restrooms again, maintaining hand dexterity, and, while I could wear dresses again, I would have to figure out access issues. Maybe in due time this will work. Perhaps, one day I can have a leak or accident and not even be concerned that I smell like a toilet.

Why the anger quote from Lerner? I could choose to be continuously angry about the loss of bodily functions, but where would that lead me?... To a life of bitterness and living in the past with things I cannot change. In the meantime, I prefer to continue contemplating my "navels" when meditating - my natural one and my surgically created one - and be appreciative of their existence and function. What would Buddah do?

"Ab" vs. Normal

"normal - adjective: average, conforming to a type, standard or regular pattern, sane..."

----------------------

Is it my imagination, or is abnormal to have spent the day dealing with bladder / catheter issues overnight, getting cleaned up, stripping bed linens, cleaning the bed with a disinfectant, laundering wet bed linens, calling my urologist's office to discuss what's been happening (3 to 4 times a week for about six weeks and including a round of antibiotics for the UTI that I thought was the cause!), getting dressed, having more bladder issues, another clothing change, running over my urine bag with my wheelchair and bursting it, backing up over a bottle of Seaspray Bath & Bodyworks lotion christening my new wheelchair's tire with the scent of an ocean breeze as I rushed to the bathroom to change drainage bags...hmmm...

OK, so I know "normal" is different for everyone. Maybe this is my new normal. Glad every day is different!!! Not sure I could stand this much "normalcy!!! Looking forward to the fresh smell of clean bed sheets again tonight. Perhaps tomorrow will not be a rewind of today! Sane??? I don't think so!!!

Risk vs. Fear

"Come to the edge, he said.

They said, we are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

They came. He pushed them.

And they flew...

- Guillaume Apollinaire
------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm reading Neal Donald Walsh's book When Everything Changes, Change Everything. What do you think? Which comes first (no, not the chicken or the egg), thought or emotion? Or does it matter? Walsh goes with thought then emotion and he believes that all emotion derives from the one basic emotion, love. Wow, that's a simplistic view of emotion and puts the debate about defining the basic emotions (fear, happiness, sadness, anxiety, anger, and so on) to rest!

Whether thoughts or emotions come first, emotions are the problem that pushes one to seek help, is an issue that will remain up for debate, in my opinion. I don't think I've heard anyone say, "I need to see a therapist because I love myself and I don't want to risk getting hurt or losing that love". Perhaps my interpretation is mistaken, but so far, that's what I'm hearing.

Personally, I don't think it matters. What matters is what approach works for that person to help them create the life that they want for themselves. The approach that supports risk taking and calms fear and anxiety is what's important. Why am I even writing about this? I don't really know. Maybe to convince myself that there are lots of "right" ways to accomplish a desired outcome. Maybe just to ramble on. Oh, well, those are my thoughts and I'm sticking to them! (For now...have to keep my options open!)

Belief vs. Biology

You can free yourself from aging by reinterpreting your body and by grasping the link between belief and biology." - Deepak Chopra
----------------------------

Learning the reality of how your body functions as opposed to how we believe it should function is, in my opinion, a developmental milestone for all adults whether they have a disability or not. To become accustomed to hearing what our bodies tell us requires listening and feeling alterations from a recognized norm.

My body is rebelling today...letting me know in no uncertain terms, that I have exceeded its limits. The trip to B'Ham and Wetumpka, while interlaced with some fun, was dominated by the physical stress of travel and endless driving. God blessed me with leaving a hypersensitive bundle of nerves on the right buttocks, at the spot where pressure sores are common with paralysis, that gives me early warning of the need to shift sitting positions.

The early warning center was on overtime on the trip home yesterday and is still protesting today. I am lucky to have this red flag system and intact skin since my injury, however, it is also a bit annoying. I cannot remember having a comfortable, totally relaxing drive in the last 3 1/2 years. Even after a full day of rest, I still am receiving little nudges reminding me that the spot is still there.

I just finished watching a video series on My Space by Eric Thomas. It is a collection of clips with only his face visible, narrating brief, vivid recollections of being shot through the C3 vertebra and left with complete paralysis at twenty years of age. His injury was ten years ago, but his descriptions paint a clear, sensory picture from the time he was shot to his discharge from Craig Rehab Hospital in Denver as though it happened yesterday. Eric's shared opinions and issues are those of most people living with spinal cord injuries, particularly high cervical damage. Eric embraces acceptance of "what is" and a determination to move forward with his life.

URL: http://www.vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&channelisd=8345186

Birthdays vs. Age

"Old age is like climbing a mountain. You climb from edge to edge. The higher you get, the more tired and breathless you become, but your views become more extensive." - Ingmar Bergman

---------------------------

How many times I have been asked when I would stop "having" birthdays. You know, that 19, 29, 39, 49, 59, and holding that some people say when their birthday is approaching. I don't plan to stop. I love birthdays! This year was no exception. I have been thinking and thinking about how to celebtate my 60th birthday this year and could not come up with any special idea or plan. My friend and daughter took over and had a wonderful celebration for me. It was one of the best birthday's ever! Jack Benny is given credit for the saying, "Age is strictly a matter of mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Laughter vs. Frowns

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analyses, you have got not to forget to laugh." - Katharine Hepburn

------------------------

Laughter vs. Frowns

In the grand scheme of things, smiles and laughter promote well-being more readily than stearnness and frowns will ever accomplish. However, it is the whole range of emotions that are experienced and expressed that make us human. Laughter of a baby or small child is contagious, a whole body, rolling on the floor, belly-aching, face hurting experience from head to toe. The kind of laugh that demands your full attention and participation. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a laugh like that every single day?

I look forward to the day when I awaken with a smile to greet the new day. I almost made it today. I had a sleepless night last night and finally fell asleep at 5:45 AM. I set my alarm for 10 AM, trying to keep my sleep cycle more normal. Last week was a huge success. I made some specific changes. TV goes off by 10PM and I'm in bed by 11PM or at the very latest midnight. Whatever is still undone remains so until the next day. I am aiming for being awake and up by 9AM. I bent this a bit today since I fell asleep so late, but was up by 10AM to talk to Cara and a pharmacist with the FDA @ 10:30AM.

Normalization of my sleep-wake cycle has been a goal I have worked on for the past several months with little success. My UTI was actually useful last week because it created a need for rest and healing. Next, I have added back a morning meditation before my body stretches. I planned on adding back pool or my stander today, but will be bumping them to tomorrow. I know I will be feeling better soon as I get into place these changes. My accountability partner and I are checking up on one another weekly - that really helps.

I look forward to those belly laughs again soon. Movies are my best source of laughter today. I'm seeking out comedies and letting the actors onstage perform their magic so I can join the ranks of the laughing babies in the photo and follow Katharine Hepburn's wise advice to keep a slightly comic attitude and not forget to laugh.