Flow vs. Lists

Dear Mother/Father/God,

This week is an interesting collection of days that we have labeled Holy:
Celtic New Year, Halloween, Samhain, All Saints and All Souls.
An interesting blend of celebrations from the ancient religions
and Christianity mixed with more than a bit of modern marketing.
My intention is to reflect on the core meaning of this sacred time of year;

a time of reflection and anticipation, a time between seasons.
I allow my mind to wander though my memories of those people

who have been a part of my past.
Friends and family members, lovers and leaders, co-workers and teachers,
everyday folk, and spiritual giants.
Some are gone from this realm of existence, others just gone from my sight. I bless and thank them all.
I am grateful for the people whose ideas and presence have helped me find my way. So many decisions, events, people, places, jobs, loves, heartaches, seeming errors and triumphs have brought me to this moment; to this particular expression of eternal unfoldment. Now, I consciously rekindle my internal awareness of the One Life with and in me. I know that everyday is Holy if I live it wholly. Blessed be the Life we share. Amen (Renaissance Unity, 10/31/2009)

-------------------------

This has been a full day and, strangely, a day which feels like life circumstances are falling into place a little at a time. Each moment flowed into the next with ease. No frustration or head full of the list of things that I must work on next. Instead, a gentle unfolding of a day not wasted, but lived. Days like this one create the retrospective thought that maybe I'm starting to get the hang of 'being' again and adapting to the challenges that necessarily have to be considered, while enjoying the movement through time and fun activities with others, one at a time. This week has been a blend of solitary endeavors mixed with those in relationship with others...an ebb and flow from one to another. Perhaps a glimmer of hope that a new 'normal' is around the next corner? Regardless of what tomorrow holds, today has been a very good day! Halloween 2009.

Yes vs. No

The Healing Time by Pesha Gertler

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that sent me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say Holy Holy

Blessings!

------------------

Yesterday was another milestone day. I did not realize until I returned home in the evening why I felt the stirrings that the Fall season evoked in my past lifetime. It was a perfectly beautiful day. Sunny, crisply defined, fiery orange maple leaves against a clear blue sky, no clouds in sight. I simply went shopping, by myself, at a time of my choosing and where I wanted to go for the first time in four years...Christmas shopping. Wow! The last time I was able to do this was in early December 2005, and that was pretty limited as I prepared for a job change. I liked feeling happy and relaxed...able to take in the beauty of a wonderful Fall day and the taste of independence lost, as I moved through the day, moment by moment, enjoying each encounter as though it was a re-acquaintance with a dearly missed old friend.

Body vs. Mind

"It is in moments of illness that we are compelled to recognize that we live not alone but chained to a creature of a different kingdom, whole worlds apart, who has no knowledge of us and by whom it is impossible to make ourselves understood: our body." - Marcel Proust

---------------------------

The quote above speaks to the mind attempting to recognize its connection to a foreign entity, as though the two are clearly separate from one another.

Today's lesson for me is to be quiet and listen to what your body is trying to say...listen...mine was speaking loud and clear, but I was not still enough to hear it's message. In this instance, it is the body attached to a noisy, chattering creature from another kingdom: the mind.

Two days this week, after running errands and driving for six to eight hours each day, I returned home with screaming, burning, aching pain in my back. Of course, my ever active mind gets busy explaining why my back is so uncomfortable. 'I've been driving most of the day and that stresses my back to maintain a sitting balance' or 'my wheelchair cushion is still not right...it doesn't give my back enough support' or 'I didn't rest well last night' or 'it's spasms' and on and on and on goes the explanatory litany. 'If I just relax for awhile' or 'do my stretches again' it will go away.

'HELLO!!! Is anyone out there paying attention?', I imagine my body demanding, 'this hurts, listen to me'. I continue to relax, stretch, move from position to position trying to find relief. 'Okay, it's time to go to bed' I tell myself, 'I will feel better in the morning'. I finish my bowel and bladder routine and notice as I empty my drainage bag and irrigate my catheter that my urine is darker than usual. 'maybe I didn't drink enough water' my mind chimes in.

I snuggle into bed turning this way and that to minimize leg spasms, avoid pulling on my catheter, and soothe my sore back. 'Ahhhh...that's better', this thought floats through my mind as my tired, sore body gives up for the night. When I woke up, I didn't feel better. That uncomfortable knot in my back near the bottom of my ribs is still there. I notice when I roll over that there is blood in my catheter and the urine in my collection bag looks like cloudy, dark tea. 'HELLO! Now I've got your attention...finally! I've been trying to tell you that something is wrong! Maybe next time you'll stop talking and listen!'

Circular vs. Linear

"The stastics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are OK, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

----------------------------------

Another rainy day. Had my six month check-up with my physiatrist yesterday. After the appointment, I went across the street to drop off forms for Haley at the "corporate university" @ Huntsville Hospital. It was like rolling into a time warp. The building that houses the CU is the building I worked out of for over four years as a neonatal outreach coordinator for North Alabama and the "corporate university" was the final project that I worked on before leaving Huntsville Hospital.

An interesting physical example of life coming full circle...a building that I used for office space, now housing the project that culminated sixteen years of my nursing practice. WOW! Kind of a "deja' vu" experience. I felt an urgency to leave and return to my current reality after speaking with several people that I used to work with. It seemed that in spite of all that has changed, much is still the same. I am so glad to no longer be with either entity!

Managing vs. Succumbing

(William Wallace Denslow's illustrations for a variant of Rain Rain Go Away, from a 1901 edition of Mother Goose.)

"Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day!" Multiple Sources
-----------------
Perfect day for catching up on rest or sleep with the continuous lulling effect sound of raindrops outside. A good day to read, watch a movie, or just be. An environmentally supported sabbath. A much needed day of reflection and remotivation, a portal of opportunity to get my sleep schedule back on track before it errodes into negative thinking and behaviors - again. Guess this is what is meant by "managing" depression. Just like any other persistent issue that surfaces from time to time. Awareness and response to head off the slide down the slippery slope.

Today is the beginning of a new week and a perfect time to redefine goals - one day at a time. I'm really happy for this rainy, cool day.