"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from". - TS Eliot

----------------------

"The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings." - Dan Cook, "The Washington Post",June 13, 1978

----------------------

The last entry. This entry brings this blog to an end and clears the way for a new venture...a journey without a destination. This blog and the one before it have had a good run. As Eliot said, "the end is where we start from".

Madness vs. Being

"...too often with people who are programmed, or have an agenda, or guard their feelings. Nathaniel is a man unmasked, his life a public display. We connect in part because there is nothing false about him." - Steve Lopez

-------------------------

I watched "The Soloist" last night. It was such a strange experience. When the movie was over, I had no idea what time it was or how long I had been watching the movie. It was as though I was surrounded by and totally absorbed in the story. Upon reflection, I became curious about the intensity of my absorption. What was that all about? Even more curious to me because of the difficulty I have been having with relaxing enough to meditate regularly. Interesting.

I was reminded, as I watched the work of "The Lamp" organization in Los Angeles, of some of the people I met when I used the handicapped transport system for three and a half years after my accident, before I was able to drive again and afford a vehicle for modification. I met so many people with physical and mental disabilities. I was amazed by their lives and stories, encounters that touched on even deeper places in my heart and reminded me of the strength and resilience of the human spirit.

Perhaps this story took me back to the little girl who gathered up homeless stray cats and put them under our house where she could give them food and water until her itchy, red eyes and midnight meows from beneath the floor exposed the secret. Or maybe it reminded me of the third grader who helped another student in my class with her reading and spelling, or of my sister, 18 months younger, who was not able to learn easily and was held back in kindergarten.

I know that this movie touched on a propensity for being a champion of the underdog, protector of the young, weak, and disadvantaged. The pearl of wisdom from the movie that is a true, but difficult to accept fact, is that sometimes things are as they are and regardless of how much we wish for or try to help change circumstances, the bitter truth is that we do not always know what is best for others. We each have our own lives to live.

Respect vs. Disregard

“Man must feel the earth to know himself and recognize his values.... God made life simple. It is man who complicates it.” -Charles A. Lindbergh

---------------------------------------------

The oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has been in progress since April 20, a crisis that permeates every conversation here. It's the peak of beach vacation time in Alabama. Visitors to the gulf coast report in news interviews that, not only is the beach tainted with oily tar balls, but the petroleum smell is so strong that vacationers are retreating indoors It is hard to imagine the beach with noxious fumes overriding the hot, humid, salty breeze.

I haven't been to the beach, or as my grandson called it on his first visit as a toddler, "the BIG sandbox", since before my crash. I can't imagine going now and not being able to walk to the water's edge as the waves splash up over my feet. I am so glad to have experienced the gorgeous sugar white coastline before it became stained and littered with the oil covered bodies of wildlife victims.

This is what I consider a catastrophe. The impact of which will be felt for decades to come. I wonder when humans will hear the message and start taking responsibility for the way we are assaulting the earth? Will we ever learn to live more gently, more simply? The threat of a tropical storm, or worse, a hurricane, looms ominously near the gulf as the week ends and hurricane season begins.

Lindberg implies a connection between one's experience of the earth and personal values. He indicates that our connection with the earth is simple, but we are the one's who complicate it. I wonder how he arrived at this conclusion and if he would translate his viewpoint in the context of this human-made disaster?

Circumstance vs. Containment Leak

"What comes out of you when you are squeezed is what is inside of you." - Wayne Dyer

---------------------

As I rode home from the mailbox in my wheelchair with my little dachshund, Rebel, on his leash, I felt a wave of anger welling up as I rolled along, grabbing my attention away from the warm, summer night, the bright moon, sparse clouds, stars , and sound of crickets and locusts. I've noticed over the past few months that I feel angry over things that normally would just roll off my back.

My back was hurting from using my broken, new wheelchair and I had just discovered that my vendor's adjustments on my old wheelchair made it so slow that it took more than 30 minutes to pick up my mail and it would barely climb any incline. I used this wheelchair for my primary means of transportation for three years. It was never this slow! The smallest things are so frustrating. I find myself thinking, "can't anyone do things right the first time!" In the background, conversations from the day are adding fuel to the fire.

During the day, I spoke on the telephone with the financial aid departments of my youngest daughter's current school and the college she is transferring to in the Fall, only to find that both departments needed our signatures on our e-filed tax returns (government educational loan requirement). Wonder when they were going to contact me? They had tried to do so, through my daughter's current school email that she doesn't check when not in class in the summer and by mail which I hadn't been able to check since my chair was broken and back was so flared up.

Then, there was the company that I have been using for years to supply vitamins and supplements I use regularly. I have never had a shipment issue before this current order. I placed the order on June 8th and yesterday was June 22nd. I contacted the customer service department three times by email and once by telephone. No response by email in spite of their "policy" of responding within 24 hours. The telephone operator was young and inexperienced and rude, implying that the shipment issues were my problem.

So...Wayne Dyer's words ring true. The tipping point has been reached! I would like to believe that this well of angry feelings comes from the happenings of the day, but for crying out loud, this stuff happens to everyone! On some level, I recognize that the compartment that has contained my anger from lost dreams and hopes for this time in my life may have been protected by the covering of denial. Perhaps today's anger and tears are a mixed bagged as the containment cover slips away and circumstances squeeze.

--------------------------

(NOTE: Discovered today, Friday, 6/25/2010, that my usual troubleshooting mentality was blocked by my lowered frustration set point. I simply forgot about the secondary control that affects speed - a small knob that when twisted clockwise, increases speed. My oversight, however, my little dog Rebel is probably secretly thankful! The walk to our mailbox is a pretty long one for his little minature dachshund legs.)

Challenge vs. Safety

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

-----------------------------

Maybe Thoreau had the right idea! As I have spent the last few days trying to sort out and simplify my living space so I can more easily navigate my wheelchair through the apartment, I realize how many unnecessary "things" I have collected over the years. For me, these things represent the past or "before the accident (BTA)". I am becoming acutely aware that I have to get down to the business of creating new dreams that fit with my "after the accident (ATA)" reality.

As I consider the past few years of adjustment, I realize that I am gradually leaving the landscape of denial. Two years after I was hurt, I took my youngest daughter to Chicago for her 18th birthday. Making the travel arrangements were a challenge, but I was so proud of myself for venturing out of my comfort zone. We had three days of fun, providing proof to me that the changes were no big deal. On our last day of the trip, we planned to try to try to do a couple of things before leaving for the airport.

I decided to get up early to start my two hour ritual of personal care before waking my daughter. Plans changed suddenly when I fell in the bathroom, twisting my ankle. "Perhaps my ankle is just sprained", I remember thinking as I called for my daughter. When I tried to get up from the floor, I felt a stab of pain somewhere in my body and decided that we needed to call for help. A trip to the emergency room confirmed that I had broken my ankle and two bones in my foot. So much for the "crammers"!

We made it back to the hotel and had just enough time to get packed and head to the airport.

I rationalized that this could have happened to anyone.

This past year, my pendulum has swung to the other extreme, staying safe and not even attempting activities that might lead to a fall. As the clutter in my life is cleared away and reality floats to the surface, I know that I have to create another journey. One with a mix of pushing my limits and staying safe. It seems to me that, while Thoreau might have the right idea about simplicity, arriving at that point makes my life more complex...at least for the moment.

I have to either dream new dreams or find a way to modify the old ones. Either path takes a lot more energy to navigate.

Present vs. Future

“Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I - I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
~Robert Frost

--------------------

The road less traveled...daring to choose the path meant only for one's self to travel. What will not be done unless I do it? That is the call to our individual journeys...It is as if we are given pieces to an obscure puzzle that only we can put together. Often the pieces do not make sense as we continue putting one foot before the other (or rolling along in a wheelchair), entertaining an ever ready curiosity about what our destiny is to be. Perhaps, as the mystery unfolds, while in waiting, we are simply to be as we are, wherever we are along the way. At every given moment, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Easy to say, but more difficult to do! I can't help but wonder about what I am to do tomorrow.

Memory vs. Change

“Journeys bring power and love back into you. If you can’t go somewhere, move in the passageways of the self. They are like shafts of light, always changing, and you change when you explore them.” ~Rumi

-----------------------------

Today feels surreal. Awakened from a complex nightmare exhausted and tearful. The feeling has lasted all day. Wrote a summary of the content to look at later. Right now, it feels as rainy inside as it is outside. So strange that, even after four years, I still dream of myself as walking and I can still feel the movement of my legs and feet as though they work. Guess this is the mixed blessing of an incomplete spinal cord injury. Enough feeling left to remember, but not enough muscle and nerve power to simply walk. Today is today. Storms come and storms pass. Life goes on...

Light vs. Illumination

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." ~Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

-------------------------

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."

-------------------------

Aware that the light is there. People I encounter tell me so even though the light is invisible to me. Perhaps that is how illumination works, through the reflection of others about the effect the projecting beam has on their particular moment. My failure is an inability to accept the message, embrace my effect on others and make a deposit in my self esteem or confidence bank account, or just feel the warm intention of the other person's observation. Learning opportunity. Affirmation.

Did I just say "confidence and self-esteem"? "Intention"? Hmmm.. maybe another baby step in trauma recovery. ;)

Doorstep vs. Virtual Delivery

"Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

------------------

Happy May Day! I remember celebrating this day as a child by making May Day baskets, hanging them on a neighbor's door handle, knocking on the door, and dashing away before the knock was answered, while we hid behind the bushes watching the smiles of surprise when the basket was found. More simple times. Creating joy and sharing it with others. Today, I sent May Day baskets on Facebook. Go figure! I can only imagine the smiles! It was really more fun actually seeing the real thing when I was able to do so as a child..

Children have such a way of seizing the moment. Lesson to be learned. This gift of being in the present moment is timeless but seemingly forgotten as life becomes busier and more complicated. Spend a few minutes watching how children do this, then figure out how to do it yourself in your own life. Carpe' diem!!!

Insanity vs. Intent

"Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence." - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

-------------------------

Is the world crazy? I awakened this morning to a text message that the tragic mass murder on my youngest daughter's university campus last Friday is the front page story in the New York Times today. The story delves into the volatile nature of the shooter over time that culminated in the deaths of three biology professors, serious injury of one professor, critical injury of another professor, and a staff assistant during the weekly biology department meeting, not to mention the trauma inflicted on the six surviving faculty members who witnessed the massacre.

I still feel a chill run through my body when I realize that my daughter was in the same building less than one hour before the shooting occurred, and, had it not been her spontaneous decision to leave that day rather than stay for tutoring, she would have been inside the building when the shooter was in the hallways, getting rid of her gun and trying to find a way out to avoid capture. This is the same faculty member who was teaching the Human Anatomy class last year that my daughter called to let me know she was replacing with another class because she heard about how bizarre and inconsistent this professor was. Thank goodness for the informal faculty reviews that students share with one another!

This shooting occurred exactly one week after a 14 year old student fatally shot a classmate in the hallway of a local middle school. Two senseless acts of violence that shocked our community to it's core within one short week. How are such events to be reconciled and understood? The middle school shooting was found to be related to gang infatuation while the faculty slaughter is being judged by onlookers to be either the random act of a mentally unstable woman or an intentional attack staged for an insanity defense by an intelligent, calculating criminal mind. Both acts create concern for me about the safety of our students.

I also have an understanding of the long road to recovery and possible residual effects of the physical injuries that the two injured survivors of the faculty shooting who have been critically wounded have to face and the post traumatic stress that is being experienced by the remaining survivors that were in the room and those middle school students who wonder if they can be kept safe.

Déjà vu 2010 vs. Winter Olympics 2006

"In sport, mental imagery is used primarily to help you get the best out of yourself in training and competition. The developing athletes who make the fastest progress and those who ultimately become their best make extensive use of mental imagery. They use it daily as a means of directing what will happen in training, and as a way of pre-experiencing their best competition performances." - Terry Orlick

-------------------------------

I love watching the Winter Olympics and, in fact, have entertained the possibility of seeing them in person one day, that is until a little over four years ago. I used to ski downhill before we moved South. Colorado was only six hours away, about the same distance as the beach is from my home in Alabama. I was never a competitive skier. I skied for relaxation and fun and, most of all, for the beautiful scenery. There is nothing more gorgeous than standing at the top of a run, looking out at the surrounding snow covered Rockies and soaking up the silence of a newly fallen blanket of powdery snow. Breathtaking!

My experience with skiing allows my appreciation of the athletic achievements of our winter Olympians. I remember watching Nastar competitions and sitting at the foot of a mogul field, amazed at the skill and speed of the competitors. Competitors that would surely smile at my clumsy efforts on the green and blue runs with occasional runs through the trees leaving a trail of gloves, hat, goggles, poles, and lastly, as I fall onto the snow, my skis. I imagined being compared to Goofy, the Disney character, flying down a snowbank and exclaiming "woo-hoo-hoo" as he loses his equipment before his final fall!

Four years ago, I watched the 2006 Winter Olympics from my hospital bed in the rehabilitation center after a day filled with trying to relearn how to roll over, sit up, and expand my shrunken lung capacity necessitated by an accident that paralyzed all but my right arm as the result of a spinal cord and brachial plexus injury. Three to four hours daily were spent on my own personal mini-olympics, interspersed with a plethora of medications, having my bodily functions that no longer worked correctly tended to, attempting to retain some of the nourishment provided by the high protein diet needed for healing between episodes of nausea and vomiting caused by vasomotor instability (low blood pressure) when I was turned from side to side or elevated to a sitting position.

Watching the Olympics was a welcome escape at the end of a tiring day and represented a touchstone of normalcy that had been abruptly taken away a few weeks earlier by a cell phone using, distracted driver. My family and friends were nearly 100 miles away. I lost myself in the games, remembering what it felt like to make my way down the greens and blues and to watch the daredevil

hotdoggers with red handkerchiefs tied around one thigh as they plummeted down the black, mogul dense slopes. I imagined the view from a mountaintop and the muffled sounds of the lifts and gondolas, my own guided imagery to help me sleep in unfamiliar surroundings and prepare for another challenging day.

I still love watching the Winter Olympics, imagining how it feels to ski down those slopes with the cold breeze against my cheeks and losing myself in the concentration and pleasure of each mountaintop moment. Even a catastrophic spinal cord injury cannot take away the pleasure of these memories or my vicarious enjoyment of the Winter Games.

Indianapolis Colts vs. New Orleans Saints

The one football game of the year that I enjoy watching! Commercial heaven!!! - CJS

-----------------------

The game starts here at 5:30PM. I'm rooting for the commercials (and the Colts). I wonder if anyone has considered the amount of relief that could be provided to the Haitians with the cost of even one of these commercials? What about the grassroots ultra conservative Republican dinner in Nashville featuring Sarah Palin (of course her $100,000 speaker's fee would have to be deducted from the proceeds of the $500+ per plate dining fee plus overhead expenses) and the donations from the 600 individuals planning to attend? Of course, all of this is part of the American way...tossing away the resources of the wealthy while the poorest of the poor continue to suffer.

I am just as guilty! I will be sitting in front of the TV watching the commercials (and game), relaxing, cheering, and laughing while the global struggles continue. Is this wrong? I don't really think so. Sure, resources could be used in any number of locales experiencing poverty and extreme devastation like Haiti. One argument could be presented that this game and its commercials were purchased long before the earthquake in Haiti. It does cause me to pause a bit and wonder if we, as a country, are using our resources wisely.

Even if we do not believe in foreign aid, we have hungry and homeless children, women, & men right here in our own country. Well, I'm joining the ranks of the hypocrite today, write and rant about one thing and do the complete opposite.

Gobbler's Knob vs. PETA

Phil's official forecast as read February 2nd, 2010 at sunrise at Gobbler's Knob:

Hear Ye Hear Ye Hear Ye

On Gobbler's Knob on this glorious Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2010, Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators awoke to the call of President Bill Deeley and greeted his handlers, John Griffiths and Ben Hughes.

After casting a joyful eye towards thousands of his faithful followers, Phil proclaimed, "If you want to know next, you must read my text. As the sky shines bright above me, my shadow I see beside me. So six more weeks of winter it will be."

------------------------------------------

Click on URL for a brief history of Groundhog Day:

Times Asia, 2/2/2010 (http://www.timesasia.net/groundhogs-day-2010-history-did-the-groundhog-see-his-shadow-2010-results-05291480.htm)

------------------------------------------

I read that PETA recommended retiring Punxsutawney Phil and replacing him with a robotic groundhog. As the history quoted above indicates, observance of Groundhog Day possibly began as a "bit of folk humor". According to weather prediction experts, Phil's predictions are right about 40% of the time. Sounds pretty close to the accuracy of weather forecasters on television. Phil appears to be well cared for and expresses himself when irritated by biting the handler (2009). I say leave Phil alone as the local folk hero and support a celebration of fun and laughter! A robotic Phil would just not be the same.

I have been thinking today about how fun it would be to go to Gobbler's Knob on Groundhog Day. I Emailed the visitor's bureau to find out if they have recommendations for accessible lodging for someone in a power

wheelchair. We'll see if I receive a response.

Laughter vs. Crying

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." -Kurt Vonnegut

------------------

This is almost exactly what I told the Honda Roadside Assistance operator today when I explained that my car could not simply be towed because my wheelchair and I were stuck inside. She put me on hold for a bit and came back apologizing for the wait. I laughed and told her that I had eaten, had a drink on hand, and had mail to keep me entertained. She commented "well, you're in good spirits". to which I replied that I could laugh or cry and I choose to laugh.

Another preposterous situation with my SUV. Surely I am not the only person for whom a modified Honda Element borders on the edge of the lemon laws. I am almost used to things going counter to what I hope for. Now, that is a sad state of affairs!!! It would be refreshing for something to be reliable. If the lesson is to have no expectations and simply go with life as it unfolds, then it is difficult to make any commitments. How is that to be dealt with, I wonder?

One step forward and two steps backward, it seems. Losing ground rather than making progress! :( :(

Danger vs. Safety

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words." - Rainer Maria Rilke

--------------------------

This photo was taken from my youngest daughter's sorority house on January 21 of the tornado that touched down in Huntsville's historic district and Five Points area.

Referring back to Rilke's quotation, some storms, like this one, are visible while others, though similar or worse, are not visible at the time. Or, there may be an internal storm in progress that cannot be seen so easily. While this tornado was forming, just minutes before it touched down, my oldest daughter, her two children, and three dogs were driving in a car directly beneath the funnel cloud.

They saw and experienced the storm "up close and personal" while others admired it's beauty from afar. My daughter called me, panic stricken about what to do. Why did she call me? For the same reason that my youngest daughter called to verify that the girls in her sorority were taking appropriate action to stay safe.

Both girls know that I have lived in "tornado alley" all of my life, first in Kansas and now in Alabama, or in other words, I have experience with how to try to stay safe in the midst of nature's fury, a tornado. They also both know that in the face of a crisis, they can count on me to be that calming voice of comfort that will talk them through the "storm", and help them maintain focus and clarity until the crisis is resolved.

I am told that this is how I conducted myself after my accident. As I sat in my car with a broken neck and crushed left shoulder blade, I instructed the first people to respond to my crash to please not try to move me until the paramedics arrived. I could not move my legs, yet even in this personal crisis, I stayed calm and in control. Of course, I was not alone. God had me in his hands.

As the past four years of struggles and hard work to recover have passed, I have been able to stay focused and calm by separating myself emotionally from the after effects of the accident while I did what I knew had to be done. It seems, however, over the last few months, numbness and disorganization have replaced the clarity of purpose that kept me motivated through over three and one half years of physical therapy.

It seems that my emotional self is having a difficult time reintegrating with my physical being and the compartment that kept my emotions closely in check to allow for physical recovery has sprung a leak! I am so glad my daughters still see me as a calm and reassuring touchpoint in the middle of a storm.

Little do they know that while this tornado was ripping through Huntsville and they were both calling me on the phone, I was taking care of bodily needs that are no longer independently functional as a result of my injuries. Evidence to me that my ability to compartmentalize is still alive and well. How can such a useful ability also be a source of distress? The million dollar question!!!

Perserverence vs. Quitting

"A jug fills drop by drop." - Buddha

-------------------------

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained". - Marie Curie
------------------------

Quitting is so tempting at times! It takes a lot of motivation and energy to persevere! I am consciously trying to correct my sleep schedule issues and yesterday marked three days of waking at a reasonable hour and going to bed early enough to assure a full night's sleep. Then, today I backslide.

Went to bed at 2AM and slept until 1:15PM frustrated and feeling as though I'm behind the eight ball again. What does it take to get on track and stay there? I will do my best to get right back to correcting my sleep patterns. I don't want to give up. I really don't know why I am having such a hard time with self-regulation and organization. It seems like a never ending battle. If I take time out from this constant push to get life in order, I start feeling like I'm drowning again. I don't know what the answer is, but I have to figure it out!

I want to move on to things that make living worthwhile. Constant efforts to get life in order do not fill the bill. Guess I will stop writing for now and try to accomplish something today before time to go back to bed. This seems to be a treadmill rather than life. Maybe the treadmill is life?

Heart vs. Mind

"Even when you feel mired in fear and sadness, there are ways to persevere." -

Therese J. Borchard

-------------------

The posts on the Christopher & Dana Reeves site are hitting home for me today. No anniversary date or mega event. Checked my email this morning and read about a retreat I would love to attend but know it is not possible now, so I moved on, finished reading my emails, sent a few e-cards for birthdays, thinking of you, get well soon, and so on.

Some time later, between setting up my medications for the next two weeks and playing a computer game, the tears started. It has been four years since my accident, when will this nonsense stop!

Then I read Dr. Dan Gottlieb's post. I know what the trigger was and I'm having a not so comfortable day today physically. After reading Dan's response to another post on his forum "On Healing", I gather that my mind believes that enough time has passed for me to get over feeling sad sometimes and is ready to move on, but my heart hit a bump in the road today.

So, today is a day to go with my heart, knowing that tomorrow will bring a new day.

Thanks, again for your well timed comments.

Connection vs. Isolation

"Of all the needs (there are none imaginary) a lonely child has, the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God." - Maya Angelou

-----------------------------------

I cannot get the faces of the children in Haiti out of my head. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be suddenly orphaned, injured, hungry, or thirsty and to literally see everything that represented life as a Haitian child disappear before their eyes. How would a child view such a catastrophic event? How can such a child come to believe in a world that has vanished or literally fallen in on top of them?

Children are amazing. With care and love, they will come to trust again and again. To see what is right in the world look into a child's eyes. When sadness is reflected back, we must do all that we can to love, nurture, and surround that child with protection and security to restore hope. What a monumental task the world is facing when the sheer numbers of orphaned children are considered.

The Haitian people are veterans of difficult living circumstances such as poverty and hunger. Haiti is located geologically on the convergence of the Caribbean and North American tectonic plates and just above the South American plate that make up the earth's crust. These plates are shifting minutely on a continuous basis, creating conditions favorable to repetitive earthquake risk that is supplemented by the melting at the polar ice caps.

Haiti has needed global resources for an incredibly long time. Perhaps this horrific event is a world-wide wake-up call to the connection we share with every other human on this planet.

Dreams vs. Wishes

“Listen to your dreams. They are the whispers of your heart telling you all you’ll ever need to be happy.” - Belva Davis

---------------------------

If dreams are the "whispers of your heart telling you all that you'll ever need to be happy", then what are

wishes? Perhaps they are the noisy declarations of our minds telling us what we "think" will make us happy. How are we to differentiate the two? I wonder if I have dreams or simply wish lists?

Discerning our dreams and God's plan for our lives requires an inner stillness and listening for what is in the present. Wishes are the "what ifs" and "if onlys" of the past and future. We make wish lists in the midst of multitasking, chaos, and the incessant noise of our fast paced everyday lives. Dreaming our dreams requires a conscious effort to relax, observe rather than become our thoughts, listen for the voice from within, and open to possibility without censure.

All well and good, but why is this on my mind today? This week has been a busy week (for me) of reconnecting, climbing out of my self imposed, cold weather avoiding, isolation, back into the world of action and relationships. Every conversation I've had this week has touched on the importance of friendships, relationships, interaction, relaxation, and reflection. I'm listening, everyone! I realize that each of these exchanges have delivered a much needed message. I believe we all need reminders from time to time about what is important and how to listen for our dreams.

The missing component for me recently has been my inability to fully relax. My personality is fairly laid back, flexible, and easy going most of the time, however, I have noticed a definite change over the past several months. As I reflect on this time, I recognize that many of the activities that gave my life structure and a sense of purpose have changed. Now, more that ever, I need to create my own opportunities to listen for the desires of my heart, spoken by a soft voice from within.

The most prominent obstacle on this new journey is myself. Nothing new. Just that "being human" thing that gets in the way so often! This week has been a good one. I know that I have a choice to make. Do I want to keep making wishes or do I want to capture the "what is" of each day? Perhaps, I will begin with purposeful inclusion of silent meditation and listening prayers in place of only thinking and speaking.

Stillness is what I have been avoiding. When I relax, listen, and observe, I have to face straight on who I am at this very moment. Wishes, noise, and denial cannot change the reality of this point in time. I am giving myself permission to relax, reflect, respond, and take the time to identify shattered dreams and create the space to replace them with new ones. Are you listening Carla?

-----------------------------

Happiness

FREE to sing, laugh, dance... create!