Danger vs. Safety

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words." - Rainer Maria Rilke

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This photo was taken from my youngest daughter's sorority house on January 21 of the tornado that touched down in Huntsville's historic district and Five Points area.

Referring back to Rilke's quotation, some storms, like this one, are visible while others, though similar or worse, are not visible at the time. Or, there may be an internal storm in progress that cannot be seen so easily. While this tornado was forming, just minutes before it touched down, my oldest daughter, her two children, and three dogs were driving in a car directly beneath the funnel cloud.

They saw and experienced the storm "up close and personal" while others admired it's beauty from afar. My daughter called me, panic stricken about what to do. Why did she call me? For the same reason that my youngest daughter called to verify that the girls in her sorority were taking appropriate action to stay safe.

Both girls know that I have lived in "tornado alley" all of my life, first in Kansas and now in Alabama, or in other words, I have experience with how to try to stay safe in the midst of nature's fury, a tornado. They also both know that in the face of a crisis, they can count on me to be that calming voice of comfort that will talk them through the "storm", and help them maintain focus and clarity until the crisis is resolved.

I am told that this is how I conducted myself after my accident. As I sat in my car with a broken neck and crushed left shoulder blade, I instructed the first people to respond to my crash to please not try to move me until the paramedics arrived. I could not move my legs, yet even in this personal crisis, I stayed calm and in control. Of course, I was not alone. God had me in his hands.

As the past four years of struggles and hard work to recover have passed, I have been able to stay focused and calm by separating myself emotionally from the after effects of the accident while I did what I knew had to be done. It seems, however, over the last few months, numbness and disorganization have replaced the clarity of purpose that kept me motivated through over three and one half years of physical therapy.

It seems that my emotional self is having a difficult time reintegrating with my physical being and the compartment that kept my emotions closely in check to allow for physical recovery has sprung a leak! I am so glad my daughters still see me as a calm and reassuring touchpoint in the middle of a storm.

Little do they know that while this tornado was ripping through Huntsville and they were both calling me on the phone, I was taking care of bodily needs that are no longer independently functional as a result of my injuries. Evidence to me that my ability to compartmentalize is still alive and well. How can such a useful ability also be a source of distress? The million dollar question!!!