Challenge vs. Safety

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

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Maybe Thoreau had the right idea! As I have spent the last few days trying to sort out and simplify my living space so I can more easily navigate my wheelchair through the apartment, I realize how many unnecessary "things" I have collected over the years. For me, these things represent the past or "before the accident (BTA)". I am becoming acutely aware that I have to get down to the business of creating new dreams that fit with my "after the accident (ATA)" reality.

As I consider the past few years of adjustment, I realize that I am gradually leaving the landscape of denial. Two years after I was hurt, I took my youngest daughter to Chicago for her 18th birthday. Making the travel arrangements were a challenge, but I was so proud of myself for venturing out of my comfort zone. We had three days of fun, providing proof to me that the changes were no big deal. On our last day of the trip, we planned to try to try to do a couple of things before leaving for the airport.

I decided to get up early to start my two hour ritual of personal care before waking my daughter. Plans changed suddenly when I fell in the bathroom, twisting my ankle. "Perhaps my ankle is just sprained", I remember thinking as I called for my daughter. When I tried to get up from the floor, I felt a stab of pain somewhere in my body and decided that we needed to call for help. A trip to the emergency room confirmed that I had broken my ankle and two bones in my foot. So much for the "crammers"!

We made it back to the hotel and had just enough time to get packed and head to the airport.

I rationalized that this could have happened to anyone.

This past year, my pendulum has swung to the other extreme, staying safe and not even attempting activities that might lead to a fall. As the clutter in my life is cleared away and reality floats to the surface, I know that I have to create another journey. One with a mix of pushing my limits and staying safe. It seems to me that, while Thoreau might have the right idea about simplicity, arriving at that point makes my life more complex...at least for the moment.

I have to either dream new dreams or find a way to modify the old ones. Either path takes a lot more energy to navigate.