Conformity vs. Non-conformity

"There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead." - Kurt Vonnegut

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Letting go of self-perceived expectations of others is a difficult task at hand. I find myself nowdays, more often than not, caught up in the unpredictability of performance and outcomes. I expect myself to be able to keep appointments and engagements and be on time. Perhaps, because I have always had difficulty in some arenas with time management, I judge myself harshly when, in spite of my best efforts, I am unable to be on time.

I am constantly surprised by the willingness of others to accept me just as I am and change arrangements to help me participate or complete scheduled appointments. I am actually harder on myself than others. I'm the one having trouble accepting that there are more potential obstacles now than before I was hurt and that when an issue arises, it takes me longer to deal with the mishap. Every day presents a new learning requirement, not optional, but mandatory for maintaining some semblance of "normalcy".

I am so concerned about no longer being able to "blend" and quietly slip into an event without being noticed. Another concern is one of not wanting to require or need special concessions at the expense of another person or group. An example is my most recent trip to Birmingham for tests and an appointment with the urologist at UAB in the Spain Rehabilitation outpatient clinic.

Several things went wrong as I prepared to leave for the trip to Birmingham, including another first. My nightstand fell over during the night, turning off the surge protector. My wheelchair did not get recharged! So, I had to pack up my charger and plan to recharge in each department at UAB during the day. UGH!

The last straw was when, as I was driving, I realized that my wheelchair was not locked down correctly and had to stop on the shoulder of the road, open my doors, and lower the ramp to reposition my wheelchair to lock it down appropriately. I called my case manager to let her know that I was having problems and would arrive late AGAIN!!! She jumped right in and , rather than respond as I expected with a suggestion to reschedule, altered the times of the tests I needed to have done so I could complete everything with one trip on that same day.

I know the inconvenience and hassle I create and am very self conscious about doing so. I was advised yesterday during a therapy session to work on learning to let it go and just do the best that I can. How can I accomplish this? Remember to look at the situation as though I was the case manager or book club host or myself with a client having the same physical challenges and consider what I would do for or say to me in that same situation.

This approach makes so much sense. Why is it so hard to have the same compassion for myself as I would have for someone else in the same situation? I have to keep telling myself, because I'm worth it and deserve the same care that I would deliver from the opposite position. It's the old "Golden Rule" thing..."do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Chaos in the guise of unpredictability is part of my life now. My challenge is to learn to accept and appreciate the grace of others and know that it is sincere.

[BTW - It was a good thing that I was able to complete the testing. There is a small, benign tumor (angiomyolipoma - AML - one centimeter in size) present in my right kidney that needs to be followed every six months by CT scan and/or ultrasound. Perhaps that dull discomfort I have been feeling in the right flank area of my back is not all spasms after all. My intuition that something is going on with my right kidney is on target. My body is speaking in a different way than before and I can hear the messages if I listen carefully.]