Seeing the unseen, remembering the forgotten, making the invisible visible...these are elements of insight, the unexpected jewels that sparkle and shine when brief moments of awareness uncover their existence. - CJS----------------------
Two aha moments this week worth noting and remembering. I have a tendency to feel that I have not contributed and to hear accusations when they are voiced, both without questioning or taking the time to evaluate their validity.
On Thanksgiving Day, I apologized to my daughters for not being able to do more of the holiday preparations. This apology came as I observed them put our meal together with occasional instruction as requested on our traditional family recipes. My kitchen is too small for my wheelchair and the girls to be in it all at the same time. Also, I need help with many of the steps necessary for holiday meal preparations - reaching items on high shelves, lifting heavy items into and out of the oven, and so on.
As I thought about how I could have helped more, I remembered some of the forgotten things that I had done. I did all of the shopping for our meal and table preparations by myself. It took three trips over a two hour time period into and out of the store to buy all of the items we would need in quantities that I could manage by myself. This also included planning the meal and making certain that all of the necessary ingredients were purchased.
Additionally, I baked blueberry muffins while the girls slept in to send with them to my oldest daughter's home that morning. My grandchildren were leaving to spend the weekend with their dad and would not be with us for dinner. Their aunts wanted to see them before they left. I also made the cranberry sauce while the muffins were baking. Sure, I was not able to do as much of the cooking and manual preparation as in the past, but what I did contribute was crucial to the meal's success.
This thought process carried over in some strange way to an accusation that has been simmering in my subconscious awareness for the past eight years. Fall marks the anniversary time period of my request for a divorce and the accident on the following day caused by my husband that left him disabled. Accusations that I had no compassion were made when I made it clear that I would not be caring for him when he was discharged after his recovery.
I had always considered myself to be compassionate and believed that this was one of my character traits that led me to become a nurse. These accusations shook my self-concept markedly. As my mind wandered about this week with the idea of "seeing the unseen, remembering the forgotten, making the invisible visible", the upcoming anniversary of the car accident that left me a tetraplegic four years ago kept surfacing. Finally, I understood why.
As I realized that the car speeding toward mine was going to hit me, I took evasive action as quickly as possible to try to avoid the accident and not cause another crash that might injure my passenger and others. Of course, my actions were instantaneous and based on years of driving experience. They were also based on my character of compassion for and protection of others. I chose to not put others at risk of being injured over simply protecting myself.
I am compassionate, in spite of those self-serving comments from others that I internalized eight years ago. What a welcome touch of grace through insight...
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